I’ve been feeling restless, irritable, and discontent lately.
I haven’t drank or drugged, but I feel closer than I have in a long time, and I am trying desperately to figure out how to stop the train and get off.
I think I figured out where it’s stemming from though.
I took me awhile at first because it seemed like I’m doing everything right. I’m actively sponsoring, I’m actively working the steps (just finished a mini-4th), I hold two service positions, I go to meetings, I have a home group, I pray and do my gratitude list daily.
I kept focusing on everything I was doing right, and so I was even more angry that I wasn’t FEELING right. So, then I started thinking about what I was doing wrong.
I’m missing the fellowship.
I moved a few towns over at the end of last year, but I kept going to meetings in my old town. Sure, I’m not hours away or anything, but 30 minutes each way to a meeting can get annoying. On top of that, things are changing with the group of friends I got sober with. Some are no longer sober, others have moved farther away, some are married, some are getting married. I’ve had changes too, don’t get me wrong. I’m back in school, I’m living with my boyfriend now. I’m busier than I was when I was able to say yes every time someone asked me to go to a meeting or out to coffee.
But, from the beginning, I also said how important the fellowship was to getting me sober and to helping me stay sober during the times when I didn’t really want it. Now though, those people aren’t here in the way they used to be, and I have yet to replace them.
I need to replace them. No, not replace. That’s the wrong word. Add to them. I need to add to my circle of friends.
If I’m really willing to go to any lengths, I have to be uncomfortable for the sake of serenity. I need to branch out. Go to new meetings, go out to coffee with new people, add new numbers to my phone.
I was already thinking all this, but I went to a sponsorship workshop today, and would you believe one of the speakers said exactly what I had been thinking for so long? I’m not even sure how he got on the subject because it wasn’t related to the topic really. But, it was the confirmation I needed. God spoke through him, and I need to listen.
My friend’s boyfriend told a couple stories about getting drunk when we went out with them on Friday. He said to me, “I bet you have a couple crazy funny stories too, huh?”
And it was like, um, crazy? Yes. Funny? Um, I mean maybe. Funny in a “you have to laugh so you don’t cry because it’s so fucking sad” kind of way.
Midnight tonight will mark 3 years since I took my last drink and drug.
Three years ago, it seemed like I would never be able to rebuild my life, but in these three short years, I have been blessed with more and more quickly than I ever imagined.
I have the man of my dreams, love from more family and friends than ever before, I’m back in school, I have a good job with potential for growth, and most importantly, I have self love.
Thank you, AA and HP.
I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don’t know what grey is. I never did.
I’m learning though.
Leaving an AA district business meeting and feeling like you need a drink…
fucking alcoholics who want to say what should be done but don’t want to actually be part of doing any of it.
What happened to principles before personalities??
Do you guys ever feel really guilty when you go to less than a certain number of meetings a week?
It’s what I’m going through right now. Three is my personal magic number and this week might will probably only be 2.
I feel like feeling guilty about not being able to make 3 is not really letting go though because it is what it is, I can only try to do better and accept it.
Maybe 2 is my magic number right now? Better to go to 1 than none?
So, last year, I had an impromptu sober NYE party at my house that was really fun, so I’ve decided (about an hour ago) to do it again.
And I shouted it out to all my AA peeps on Facebook.
And at the meeting I was just at.
I may or may not have like 300 people in my apartment tonight O_O
I’ve been feeling very present lately.
What’s Meant to Be Will Eventually Be
My good friend AM has been in STL the last 5ish weeks for some work-related training. I’ve known her a little under a year, and she has 9 months sober at this point. Her sponsor, S, is my best friend, but S asked me to be AM’s temporary sponsor while she was in STL because their work schedules would be opposite and not lend themselves to having much time to talk.
Sunday night, Sam and I picked AM up from her hotel, and we got to go to dinner and spend a few hours together.
The most interesting part of the conversation (in my opinion) was when Sam asked us how long we had known each other and how we had actually met.
I remembered meeting AM at a large open meeting. She was fresh out of rehab, and another friend introduced us.
But she told me that while, yes, that was the first time we were introduced to each other, she actually had heard me speak her first week in treatment.
AM had gone to the same treatment center I did, and I occasionally go back to speak at their Bridge group. Bridge group happens every Friday, and it is when a sober alumni of the program comes back and gives their experience, strength, and hope.
She said she remember me speaking, and as we all were leaving to go to the elevators, she wanted to talk to me, but I was already talking to a few other people.
She said she remembered thinking, “Oh, she already has friends. I’m sure there will be someone else I can talk to.”
Flash forward 11 months later, and I’m sitting with her in St. Louis.
It was just an interesting reminder that when our paths are meant to cross with someone, they will. And if your paths aren’t meant to cross, they won’t. There is no need to try to make the universe bend to your will.
That’s kind of the whole idea behind “Let Go, Let God,” I think.